Into the Darkness

Something is happening to me. I'm at the most confusing place in my life right now. I don't even know if I have the right word to describe what I'm feeling. Actually, 'lost' might be the most accurate. I'm feeling lost. I haven't been able to concentrate on anything all of last week. The only thing constant in my life were these books that I was reading, and I clung to them. It's not like anything major was happening in my life. My mum came to visit, my sister and my brother-in-law came with the dogs as well. They've been here for a week as well. I'm trying to figure out if I felt this way before they arrived. Maybe I was feeling this way, and having them over here constantly exacerbated the feeling? 

And, I'm trying to determine why exactly I feel this way. If I was still seeing my counselor, I think she'd ask me to examine why I was feeling this way. And, I'm not sure. I can tell you my symptoms though. Absolutely no concentration, fatigue, listlessness, and feelings of anxiety. Here's the thing, I'm not under stress for anything. Nothing monumental has happened to make me feel this way. Could this just be withdrawal from my trip? Or do you think it's this fucking dark place that I've trying to hide from, and it's finally caught up with me?

I hate this shit. It just never leaves you alone, does it?

I read this book where these 25 year olds start asking themselves these existential questions about what they're doing with their lives, and what they want to achieve. It made me think that at 31, I have no fucking clue. Absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. Earlier, I tried to comfort myself with the thought that there are some people that have no purpose in their lives, and I was one of those. Then, I migrated to the thought that maybe I want to do something with dogs. But, do you know that I do nothing for them now? I mean, for my dogs, yes. I do things. But for the dogs that I want to help? No, I do NOTHING. And, I see these other women who could be using the same excuses as me, "I don't have the space" "I don't have the time" I don't have a car" but they don't use these excuses, and they're doing everything that they can to help abandoned animals. And, I just sit back in my armchair feeling smug that I've adopted two abandoned animals and that means that I've fulfilled my part. I think that if the people in my neighbourhood decided that they should get rid of the street dogs outside my building (the ones that I've been feeding), I wouldn't put up a fight. THAT is my worst worst secret. That I don't think I have the balls to fight for what I believe in. I'm a horrible, horrible person, aren't I?

I'm the kind of person who screams at her mother on Mother's Day. And, upsets her mother so much that she wants to go back to Kerala the next day. I am in a dark place. I think I need to make an appointment with the counselor again.

I hate that my life goes through these phases. You know, these phases where I feel so self assured and good about myself. And, these phases where I feel like I'm falling apart. I feel like I have no control over my life or over any of these phases. And that really really sucks!