Birthday blues and more

My 30th birthday was more remarkable than just being a milestone birthday. In the weeks preceding it, I went from abject misery to frustration to bitterness and finally to a kind of content acceptance.

Milestone birthdays are tough because you begin to ask the existential questions: What am I doing with my life? What have I done in these thirty years? Why haven't I fallen in love yet? What is my purpose in my life? And, the answers to these questions bring about a whole gamut of emotions. For me, the toughest question to handle was the 'love' one. It began to haunt me, and eat at me, and when a friend told me about a new relationship, I went beserk. Why is it happening to everyone but me? This victimisation complex of mine is one of the worst things about me. Why couldn't I just be happy for her? Why did I have to bring it back to me?

It took a lot of counseling from two very dear friends to finally realise that my time will come. I used to get frustrated when people said that to me. "Stop looking, it will come. Have patience, it will happen." But, I stopped looking! Why hasn't it happened yet?

It isn't as simple as that though. You can't just turn on a switch in your head that says, "oh, I'm going to stop thinking about falling in love now. And, someone's going to fall madly in love with me."

The point is to do things in your life that make you happy. Things that you don't need others for. You are responsible for your happiness, and you have to start living your life with that thought foremost in your mind. 

I think, for me, I kept thinking that if I fell in love or met someone, most of my worries would disappear. But, honestly, how naive and unhealthy does that sound? And, why the hell did I believe that for 30 years!

So, I guess just plain old acceptance has played a huge part in my development. Better late than never, I suppose. I know realise that if I'm going to fall in love with someone wonderful sooner or later. I'd rather it be sooner, but the fact is it could be later. And, I just have to accept that and not think about it too hard and focus on other things that might make me happy.

You know the other thing about this birthday that was different? I didn't care about who wished me or more importantly, didn't. My previous birthdays were so different because I was particular about the number of wishes I received, and I guarded them so jealously. Why didn't this person wish me? Of course, they knew it was birthday. I just ended up feeling miserable and unloved. The fact that it is my father's death anniversary the next day just made matters worse. Don't they know I'm going to be reminded of my father, why haven't they wished me to make me feel better? God, no wonder I was miserable. I spent so much energy in making me feel awful.

This birthday, I was at peace. The people who had to wish me did. Everything else just came as an added bonus. This year is my dad's 10th death anniversary. My mother told me over the phone that this is the last year she's holding an annual prayer for it. Her way of letting go, I go. She wanted me to come for it. I said no. I realised that I had already let go. I'm not sure when. Sometime between my last birthday and this.

There's a part of me that feels that this 'at peace' phase won't last for very long. I did go through a similar self love phase a while ago, and when it had to crash, it did. Horribly. But, this is not an extreme phase. I'm not miserable, and I'm not ecstatic. This is a good place to be in, I feel. In the meanwhile, have some cake.