Blurry

I don't want to call this boy trouble. Because it's not. Really. Or maybe 'boy trouble' hasn't happened to me in so long that I don't recognise it anymore. I want to classify it as a non-issue, but it's been bugging me for a few days. So, I should probably address it.

I met a guy in a bar. A friend's friend. We were all part of the same group. He seemed nice enough. He spent most of the evening with me, and seemed really interested in me. Later, we all went back to my place for the after party. And, I found out he has a girlfriend. In fact, she was there that evening. It shook me up a little. But, I dismissed it. I'm not going to waste my time over cheaters. Ah, famous last words, eh?

He added me on Facebook a couple of days later. I thought, well, why not. Maybe he wants to be friends. He asked me out for a movie. I asked him about his girlfriend. He didn't deny it, and didn't seem to think it was a big deal if she knew about us going out for a movie. I thought the whole thing would blow off again.

He messaged a couple of days later. Asked me out for dinner. I asked him about his girlfriend again. He said she wouldn't mind. I thought, well, what's the harm. We went out for dinner. He was charming. Oh man, oh so charming. And, I haven't received this much attention from someone from the opposite sex for such a long time. So yes, I got carried away. He came after me with a single-minded focus. It was almost scary. He came home. Stuff happened. We discussed it. I thought he was different. No, I didn't think he was going to leave his girlfriend for me. I'm not that naive. It was one of those things that happened. And, I don't really want to be with someone who cheats on his girlfriend. But, I thought he'd treat me a bit better. He'd message me after he left? Just to make sure I didn't feel cheap or used. But, he didn't. Just like every other guy who promised to be in touch.

I called him out on it a couple of days ago. Hey, you promised not to be an asshole. But, here you are. Not keeping in touch with me. He had the gall to say "I'm not avoiding you. That's just me." And, then proceeded to say he wasn't going to give me another explanation. And, that was that. Like every other asshole before him. Although, he did try to cushion it with "I'm still going to be your friend." Well, we weren't friends before this asshole, so I really don't want to be your friend now." 

Before this whole thing started, I had such clear boundaries. No, I'm not going to get together with someone who is unavailable. No, I'm not going to get together with someone who seems like he's not going to call the next day. No, I'm not going to get together with someone unless he tells me in certain terms that he wants to be with me as a boyfriend.

These boundaries are so tricky. I think you keep them because you want to feel safe, and you want to feel like you're in control. But, when it really matters. Those boundaries become so blurred, and you convince yourself that you'd marked them wrong.

I didn't want to feel like this. I guess nobody does. You want to think that you have control over the situation. That this is finally the guy who is different. I don't want to be cynical and think that I should've known better. I don't want to get miserable and think that this is all that I deserve. Because I don't. I deserve so much more.

So, I'm going to give myself a day of listening to old sappy songs and feeling sorry for myself. And then, I'm going to pick myself up and get over this.